Friday, July 3, 2009


There is this strange, angry priest who writes in the local Catholic paper in my diocese. I will call him "angry priest," or AP. About every 28 days AP comes out with a bitter, sarcastic diatribe against some conservative or another, mostly George Bush or one of his peeps, like Dick Cheney or Scooter Libby. In his latest article AP is demanding apologies for the Iraq war.

The angry priest was very satisfied about Robert MacNamara apologizing for Vietnam. Apparently, though, AP has an extremely long list of people who need to apologize for being on the wrong side of social issues from AP, and cannot rest easy on the MacNamara apology. MacNamara only whetted AP's contrition appetite.

Robert MacNamara apologizing.

Eternal Optimist wanted to write the angry priest and apologize to him, so AP could quit obsessing about Bush and Cheney and Scooter Libby (which by the way, why does a grown man keep that nickname?), and maybe write happy articles about baseball or Obama something. My wife told me it probably wouldn't do any good.

Scooter Libby.

Then I thought we could do something hip and oh so 'now', a TV show called

"Survivior: Apology!"

where everyone sits around in Speedos and string bikinis and apologizes for important stuff like global warming, or the $50 bazillion of taxpayer money we just gave GM so they could put off bankruptcy for an extra week and a half.

"Wait, let me put $50 bazillion on board before you sink!"

Each side would be given one horrible result of their ideology to apologize for. The other side could criticize their horrible result, and then criticize their lame apology.

You could have audience participation by web-voting, which would drive ratings way up. Participants could get voted off the show for being insincere or irrelevant. Or people like AP could organize campaigns to get contestants thrown off just because they hate them so much.

If you could get Dick Cheney or Don Rumsfeld on the show

with maybe Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn, you would get a huge audience.

"I detest George Bush more than any other human being."

"Ditto. Except for Madonna. It's like a tie."

You know the vindictiveness would be completely real and heartfelt. Have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul be the moderators.

You could do Bill Clinton vs. Ann Coulter during sweeps week. That would be a huge ratings smash.

(Just look at the way Clinton is looking at her.)


Once you get it rolling, everyone will want to be on the show!

The History Channel could run a special with Lenin, Stalin, Hitler and Mao (maybe Pol Pot, too) lined up to apologize for big government excesses (like killing and enslaving hundreds of millions) versus Ken Lay, Charles Keating and Bernie Madoff apologizing for stealing people's pensions.

Captain, Team Socialism.

Captain, Team Kleptocracy.

Jack Kennedy could apologize for Vietnam.

"My fellow Americans, I am sorry about Vietnam.
Jackie, I am sorry about all that other stuff.
You know what I mean."

Reagan and Al Franken could apologize for being mediocre actors turned successful politicians.

Jimmy Carter could apologize for, well, for just being Jimmy Carter.

And Al Gore . . .

Well, the possibilities are almost limitless.

I think "Survivor: Apology!" would be a HUGE hit. Plus, it would employ a lot of people, which would be good for the economy right now.

Give it some thought and have your people get back to me.