Friday, June 5, 2009


I was at the Mall tonight. I became preoccupied by a detail, something that happens when I have not been scrupulous about taking my medications.

For some reason 88% of women age 25 and under think that jeans two sizes too small make them look more attractive. Ditto with blouses.

This is clearly untrue, but how to get the word to the self-deluded women wearing denim encapsulated donut rolls around their upper thighs? I am normally outspoken, but in this instance I'd rather get the word out anonymously.

Even scary skinny women look bad in jeans that are too tight. It just emphasizes the "too skinny" factor, and no one is comfortable looking at that. Check out Amy Winehouse. She's famous, got a great voice, but do you like her pre-rehab in jeans? I say no, no, no.

I noticed another fascinating, and perhaps related, anthropological fact. 72% of the the males age 25 and under think that their underwear is attractive to other humans. They wear their oversize pants belted down around their thighs to make sure everyone can check out their underwear.

Again, every person in the mall will tell you they don't want to look at the underwear. I asked 10 people at the mall - "do you want to see my underwear?" Every one of them backed away from me with a look of disgust. One person called for security. One man called me a freak and threw his soda on me.

For the last 10,000 years the unanimous verdict of all human cultures has been that male underwear is NOT attractive. You will find no classic sculptures wearing a pair of men's jockey shorts. Either they are naked or they have clothes on. No Chinese clay soldiers in underwear. Check out Neanderthal paintings - no men in underwear. Check out any art history book - hardly any men's underwear in there.

Boys get pants that are way too big, so they can show off their underwear. Girls get pants way too small to show off their adipose tissue. I say the true purpose of clothing is to camouflage what lies beneath.

I urge some new federal regulations requiring pants that fit. It will be rough sledding at first, but give it time. Public policy is never easy.


  1. HOOOOT!
    The revulsion for the roll of excess flesh above a too-tight waistband is widespread -- the slang term for it is "muffin top." Eeeewww.

    As for the baggy pants, there are indeed many schools and some towns that have banned jailin' style. I'll email a link next time I see a news blurb about one.

    Damn kids! Get off my lawn!

  2. Getting to this a bit late but
    what else can we expect in a society that has with their silence said show what you will. Getting closer and closer to literally letting it all hang out. The good and the ugly. If Jesus tarries it will only get worse as far as perverse exposure goes and uglier as many of the young and hard tattooed bodies hit 40 and up. Yikes!!