Tuesday, January 26, 2010


EO just read a piece about GITMO prisoners being transferred to a state prison in northwest Illinois that is almost vacant. Apparently there is anxiety about housing Islamic terrorist in the continental U.S. No one likes the idea, but the Administration seems to like keeping prisoners at Gitmo even less.

The plan is to buy this vacant state prison, convert it to a federal super-max, and then transfer Gitmo prisoners there for military tribunals.

Thomson Correctional Facility.

Of course, we already own Gitmo and upgraded it a few years back to hold military tribunals. So we are doing this twice, so that we don't have to keep the prisoners in Gitmo, where the Administration says they are an Al Qaeda recruiting tool. I don't know how they measure that; maybe with telephone polls of impoverished Islamic youth.

Anyway, the plan is to keep them northwest of Chicago, which will not be an Al Qaeda recruiting tool. So much.

I know, it's very confusing when you try to get it in your head. You can read more about it here.

Al Qaeda must be really torqued that we took this fantastic recruiting tool out of their hands. Because who wants to go to northwest Illinois? Especially in the winter. Used to be you either died and went to heaven, with all the virgins, or got captured and went to Gitmo, in Cuba. Which had fantastic weather, especially compared to Afghanistan.

But no more. Now you go to Thomson Correctional Facility, which looks like this in the winter:

Illinois blizzard. Ugh.

Anyway, people are in an uproar. Let me propose a very simple, inexpensive, and elegant solution.

There is a high security United States Penitentiary in Lee County, Virginia, not too far from the Cumberland Gap, where Daniel Boone first passed from Virginia into Kentucky. Lee County is the tip of the spear point of Virginia, deep in the heart of the country explored in "Search For The Wrong-Eyed Jesus," a great film about religion in the rural South that you should rent from Netflix soon.

Lee County(in orange): The Heart of Appalachia.

EO is familiar with Lee County, having spent a short and happy part of his life acquainting himself with some of the County's more sordid citizens. Interesting Lee County facts: it is west of Detroit. It is closer to 7 other state capitals than it is to Richmond, the capital of Virginia. You are talking splendid Appalachian isolation here.

Instead of taking these terrorist mopes - I'll call them the "Gitmoese" from now on - and putting them up in Illinois, where we have to pay for heat and air-conditioning and weight rooms and law libraries, EO says put them at USP Lee.

Under EO's plan, the Gitmoese would be shown every courtesy, and would be allowed (and even encouraged) to wear their native garb. Shortly after arrival, the Gitmoese would be summoned to the front gate and permitted to leave USP Lee, with an official apology from the Bureau of Prisons for wrongfully detaining them.

Right away, we get congratulated by France for surrendering. Maybe we even get some love from the UN. You never know.

Some good lovin' from France.

The warden of USP Lee would announce over the local radio that the Gitmoese had departed USP Lee on foot and may be looking for accommodations.

The Lee County Daniel Boone Society's Ladies Auxiliary Committee would make sure the Gitmoese were welcomed.

Womenfolk in Lee County: hunters AND gatherers.

It's 25 miles to a movie theatre from USP Lee; not a lot of entertainment at hand. The strange Gitmoese accents and exotic garb would attract a lot of attention. Folks would welcome a visit from the Gitmoese, although it wouldn't last long.

Did I smell a terrorist?

These brave freedom fighters would survive for about 18 minutes before being flayed, cubed and added to a stew. Or possibly put into a pie.

Daniel Boone Society president greets Gitmoese.

Before the flaying and cubing (customarily done by the womenfolk), a local would ask, with a slightly cocked head and ambivalent grin, “Ya'll 'er not from around here, are ye?” So right there is your due process.

It's just a suggestion. Maybe there are some legal problems, but we have tons of unemployed lawyers right now, and they can work on it.

Now be honest, the plan does have a certain appeal, am I right?


  1. Ingenious! Your education has not been waster.

  2. EO....how did you get a picture of my mother's only child??????

  3. EO asks if you are referring to that good ol' boy with the monster machine gun or the NRA pin-up girl?

  4. EO....c'mon...you know my mother's only child would be holding the monster machine gun in one hand and his spit cup in the other! I, on the other hand, could have given the NRA pin-up a run for her money during my prime. Sadly, my prime has come and gone.