Wednesday, February 24, 2010


As confessions go this one is weird. But it's mine.

I have a Jones for Graham Crackers and Cream Cheese. I capitalize the title because they are just that good.

I realized I had a problem years ago, but I've been rationalizing for a long time. One of the big problems with this particular addiction is that the name is long and combines two mundane things. To get any respect, an addiction has to be short and punchy. Booze. Crack. Sex. Boggle.

Because the name is so long, people ignore it. By the time you were done reading "Cream" you were thinking about something else.

But not me. I'm concentrating on every loving word.

And thinking of when I'm getting my next fix.

Last two nights I've been on a bender. Right now I'm feeling good off the high. I ate about a quarter slab of cream cheese with a pack of graham crackers. By lunch the high will wear off. And I'll be irritated. And sad. And wondering why life is so crummy.

And thinking about how I can slip out and buy another slab, so Mrs. EO doesn't notice the last one is gone.

A "slab"

"Slab" is junkie talk for the 8 ounces of white heaven in a tin foil wrapper that talks to me every time I open that refrigerator. It's sitting right on top, in the door, looking innocent. But I know better.

I woke up bolt upright at 4:30 this morning. I knew I had to stop. The rationalizations, the benders, the calling out from work because I'm sick from eating cream cheese.

Late at night, wiping the crumbs off my T-shirt. Wondering if that pain in my left arm is the big one, where my heart just gives out under the strain.

Volunteering to go shopping so I can buy extra cream cheese and hide it.

All the signs are there. I know who I am. And still I don't stop.

Like any addict, I can't imagine life without a slab and a pack.

A "pack"

It's easy for you. But for me, that slab and pack are jammed like an ice-pick into my brain and my heart and my life. The lie is so deep inside me that I can't even guess who I'd be without a slab of cream cheese on an endless series of grahams. The triptophan, the sugar, the fat content, the sense of dreamy peace.

You tell me "just quit." I say quitting is easy. I've quit a hundred times. Anyone can quit. But try staying quit.

That's the tricky part.

So today I'll get up. I'll drink a lot of water, some green tea, eat a salad, get on the bike for 45 minutes. Take my Omega-3 supplements. I'll dress nice, go to work, look just like you.

But deep inside I know who I am.

Thank God for Lent.


  1. From the best blog in Western Civilization, high praise. EO thanks you for supporting him through this difficult time.

  2. You really have a serious problem. But I have a solution for you, and you can start this Easter.

    See, these things are just too easy for you to get, although I grant you that the foil package can be tricky to open properly when you are in a hurry.

    So, allow yourself this indulgence IF you make your own graham crackers and cream cheese FROM SCRATCH.

    Then I think you would just simply deserve it, it would be well earned, and you can just enjoy.

  3. Ditto. I remember when all EO needed was dr.pepper and doritos, Occasional line of oreos -- who knew they were just gateway drugs to the hard stuff? I should have stopped you then.

  4. Booze, crack, sex... Boggle? You, sir, are single-handedly restoring meaning to the phrase LOL. (You've also hit on the perfect way to remake "The Lost Weekend.")

  5. So the secret is out as to why you endure organ cleansing rituals! Still, I hope you have a healthy life insurance policy...

  6. To Mrs. Leila, EO can only say junkies rarely make good cooks. The thought of making my own graham crackers and cream cheese . . . ye gads.

    To Jennygirltherat: you taunt me in my weakness. I just started thinking of cream cheese and Oreos. Like methadone, maybe. It could work.

    To Mr. Hare and Diane: organ cleansing and "The Lost Weekend." Wow.

  7. Very amusing stuff. I can't say you've sold me on trying it though. Not my thing. But still, I identify with the lure, whatever is on the other end! Hope you Lent is "shaping up" the way you'd hoped. I'll be back for more of you insights! Peace!

  8. Lent is shaping up as a fearsome battle between the forces of good and evil. Fortunately EO has it on good authority that good wins and evil is vaporized. He has placed a sizable wager on the outcome.