SLOGANEERING

Soon it will be an election year. President Obama has launched into campaign mode. Republicans are fighting about who will challenge him next November.

Eternal Optimist thought he should try his hand at sloganeering, which looks like fun.

I am at a distinct disadvantage, since I did not go to Brown or Columbia or the Che Guevara School of Political Sloganeering, where people get advanced degrees in Ultimate Frisbee and Disgust For 'Merica. Nevertheless, it is America, and that means I don't have to be an expert to try stuff.

I thought I would practice with some slogans I've already seen.

REPUBLICANS WANT TO THROW GRANDMA OUT ON THE STREET.

The problem is that this statement is false. While there are no doubt Republicans who hate grandmothers, I suspect there are not many of them. A partly true statement is a false statement.

DEMOCRATS WANT TO BANKRUPT AMERICA.

False again. I'm pretty sure there are Democrats that want America to go bankrupt, but that doesn't make the slogan true.

This got me to thinking - why do all slogans have to be cutesy lies? How about slogans that are painfully accurate? Like this one:

WE DO NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND WHY ECONOMIES GO HAYWIRE.

Or this one:

WE GENERALLY DESERVE THE POLITICIANS WE ELECT.

How about this one?

TOLERANCE CAN BE AN UNMITIGATED DISASTER.

Here are some more:

THE "ROOT CAUSE" OF CRIME IS HUMAN EVIL.

POVERTY CAN BE GOOD FOR YOU.

SOME CORPORAL PUNISHMENT IS HEALTHY AND NECESSARY.

PERSONAL MORALITY RESULTS IN A BETTER SOCIETY.

I think I better copyright these before someone steals them.

10 TIPS FOR LIVING IN BIG COLDTOWN

Having been back in Big Coldtown for a few months, I have some tips for living in BCT, based on the perspective gained by living down in Hotville for a couple of years. Here are my 10 top tips for living in BCT (drum roll, please):

10. Keep a grim look on your face. This deters people from asking you for bus money, which they never seem to accumulate successfully.
9. Wear black. A lot. See #6, below.
8. If you are female, watch lots of hooker shows and learn how to dress.
7. If you have children, don't train them to be polite. Instead, teach them to scream and whine in public.
6. No matter what you weigh, gain 75 pounds. It's the law.
5. God gave you a horn. Use it. People need to be punished for their ineffectual driving.
4. Make sure to keep your small convenience store dirty. No one likes a clean convenience store.
3. Be rude to your customers so they don't try to take advantage of you.
2. Don't go to church or synagogue. You can't afford to get nice and lose your edge.
1. Make fun of other people, and other sub-cultures, that are kinder and gentler than you and yours. Be sure to call them stupid.