Sunday, September 18, 2011


Having been back in Big Coldtown for a few months, I have some tips for living in BCT, based on the perspective gained by living down in Hotville for a couple of years. Here are my 10 top tips for living in BCT (drum roll, please):

10. Keep a grim look on your face. This deters people from asking you for bus money, which they never seem to accumulate successfully.
9. Wear black. A lot. See #6, below.
8. If you are female, watch lots of hooker shows and learn how to dress.
7. If you have children, don't train them to be polite. Instead, teach them to scream and whine in public.
6. No matter what you weigh, gain 75 pounds. It's the law.
5. God gave you a horn. Use it. People need to be punished for their ineffectual driving.
4. Make sure to keep your small convenience store dirty. No one likes a clean convenience store.
3. Be rude to your customers so they don't try to take advantage of you.
2. Don't go to church or synagogue. You can't afford to get nice and lose your edge.
1. Make fun of other people, and other sub-cultures, that are kinder and gentler than you and yours. Be sure to call them stupid.


  1. Welcome back! You were living in "Mayberry RFD" too long.... and don't forget our northern "pants on the ground" fashion for young men.