Thursday, February 2, 2012


In late-breaking news, China announced it is considering a leveraged buy-out of Europe.  Eternal Optimist obtained this exclusive interview with Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao early this morning.

"The People's Republic is always looking for value as we strive to give our investors the continued spectacular growth they've come to expect over the last two decades" said Wen.  "Right now the European Union represents extraordinary value.  The present management has not been able to keep the them solvent, but the human and industrial capacity in the EU is still superlative" Wen explained.  "That translates into a rock-bottom price for sterling quality assets: the essence of "value investing."

Wen, fresh off last year's bold acquisitions of Africa and Antarctica, is obviously enjoying the latest venture.

"It all started at a state dinner with Angie [Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany] a few weeks ago" said Wen. "I think I caught her at a vulnerable moment.  She's frustrated - you can tell - and expressed admiration at our growth rate the last few years.  I told her how impressed I was with German fiscal discipline in the middle of all the depressing yahoos over there."

Wen, a soft-spoken, distinguished looking geologist and engineer in his 60s, obviously enjoyed reminiscing.  "A few Cosmos later, we were laughing and telling stories.  Suddenly she turned to me and said 'why don't we get together?  I mean, what does it take to get a deal done?  I'm tired of paddling around in circles.'"

"I was shocked, let me tell you" said Wen, still obviously surprised, "but I managed to say 'let's talk.'  We did, and the rest - well, let's just say we are very excited about the future."

Chinese plans are contingent on the results of due diligence, expected to last about 60 days.  "Given the diversity of the EU, even our accountants - and we have 500,000 of them on planes right now - are going to have to take a bit of time to look at the books.  Particularly this Greek thing is going to be looked at closely" said Wen.

"Although, candidly, Greece, in the larger scheme of things, is not worth a bucket of warm spit, to paraphrase Garner.  That's not on the record" said Wen.

John Nance Garner: Former VP, and The Pride of Uvalde

"Anyway, we might just spin Greece, Portugal, Spain and Italy into a junk-bond tranche and dump it on the Arabs.  We've already had some preliminary discussions.  They are emotionally invested in having some European beach front properties, so the financial performance issues are secondary.  Something about the Battle of Tours.  Looks like a win-win."

In response to calls, Nicolas Sarkozy, the President of France, appeared in a bathrobe at his window and read a prepared statement: "With regard to Angela's new thing, France is resigned to the inevitable and no longer has the energy to care much about the relationship.  Whatever."

No comments:

Post a Comment