Saturday, February 18, 2012


"Access to pork should not be denied to any American" said HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, announcing new rules requiring everyone in the nation to serve pork roll sandwiches.  Sebelius explained that without the new rules,  "some Americans would be deprived of vital pork eating opportunities."

"The new rules apply equally to all employers, profit or non-profit, and individual households that exceed the HHS recommended 3.5 people" said Sebelius.

The new rules provoked wide-spread criticism from Rabbis, who noted the rules as drawn would require Jews to violate their religious beliefs by serving pork.

"We cannot have whacko ideology stand in the way of healthy food choices" said Sebelius, in response.  Asked why she called the Rabbis' objections ideological, and not religious, Sebelius said "This is not an "R-word" issue.  If we start acknowledging that this is an "R-word" issue we kind of give the game away, don't we?"

"Besides, they don't have to eat pork themselves" Sebelius continued.  "They just have to provide it for other people who may want to eat it.  Look, we have the support of several Jewish organizations that like pork.  What's the big deal?"

HHS is studying a narrowly drawn exemption that would permit synagogues not to serve pork during Shabbat.

"We are sensitive to concerns about ideological diversity, even if it is weird and wrong, and are willing to compromise by not forcing Jews to eat pork on Saturday at Synagogue.  Anything more, though, would be a deadly restriction on vital pork eating opportunities, and will not be tolerated.  The First Amendment cannot be used to run roughshod over people's right to be served pork."

When asked if most Americans already had plenty of pork eating opportunities, without requiring Jewish people to serve pork, Sebelius said, with a glare, "this is war," to wild applause from gathered reporters, all of whom were eating the delicious pork roll sandwiches provided free of charge by the Administration.


  1. As a Southerner (by transplant), make mine pulled pork, mustard based please. Thank you!


  2. I hear from my sources that due to increasing concern about this policy in the Muslim community, the Obama administration is considering a compromise which would require community food banks to supply both the food and the servers at no cost to these religous institutions This brilliant acomodation on the part of the Prez will allow the Rabbi's and Imam's to avoid having to serve the pork personally or even having to pay for it while still ensuring that all Americans have free access to the "other white meat" anytime or place they choose.